I haven’t been writing much as of late. There have been several reasons why; some of which have been self-imposed. I honestly thought no one would notice my virtual presence has been absence, but some have and have gotten on my case about not posting. Especially about Music Monday. For that, I apologize.
As my pastor would say, I have been throwing myself a pity party. Sent an invitation to myself, RSVP’d to me, showed up for my shindig clothed in disesteem.
But I have blown the candles out, ate the cake (cause we’re not letting the cake go to waste), and got myself together (trying).
Life does not stop because you’re sad.
So in the spirit of transparency, I decided to share what’s been going in my world.
1) Life has come at me fast
When they say, “Life comes at you fast,” they mean that. Over the past few weeks, life has gotten crazy for me. Between the stress of my job and my personal life, I feel like I have very little control over what’s going on around me and it’s giving me a certain level of anxiety and stress.
For those of you who don’t know, I am the sole employee at a non-profit that I am responsible for opening and operating efficiently. I am doing the work for about three people, and the stress of it all has recently started to take it’s toll on me. My spirit knows that my current situation is a part of the bigger plan for my life, but my flesh gets tired sometimes.
I’ve been playing the ‘what if’ game lately and have been losing terribly. What if I fail? What if people don’t connect with me? What if I can’t do it? The what ifs play on a constant loop in my head.
This is one of the problems with being an introvert. As an introvert, I’m always in my own head thinking about situations and their outcomes. Introverts are extreme over thinkers and it’s almost never to our benefit.
Anyway, moving on.
I’m in the process of looking for a second job to supplement my income, and I was recently passed over for a position because of the color of skin. This isn’t the first time, and probably won’t be the last time, this has happened. But it doesn’t make it any less shitty.
My biological father, whom I’ve never met, has come out of the woodworks in efforts to connect. It’s something I’m just not interested in. Childish, you say? Maybe. But I’m just not in a season in my life where I can handle the added stress properly, so I won’t.
There are also some legal problems that are adding to an already hectic schedule. That’s all I’m going to say about that.
2) “Comparison is the thief of joy”
I’m a reader. I love to read. While I love novels, I have a diverse variance of articles, blogs and think pieces that I frequent on a daily basis. I love gaining new knowledge or examining an old subject matter from a new perspective.
There are so many talented writers out there. I have read some absolutely extraordinary pieces online. And while I’m extremely thankful that the writer has decided to share their knowledge/wisdom with the world, I can’t help but think if my writing has the same effect on the few that frequent my blog.
I find myself comparing my work to their’s, and it makes me feel slightly inadequate.
Again, the ‘what if’ tune starts playing on repeat in my brain.
I know this is an unhealthy practice, and I am taking steps to eradicate this thinking.
3) I will be 24 next week and this is not where I pictured my life
I think about 98.6% of 20-somethings feel like this. When you’re younger, you can’t wait to a young 20-something taking the world by storm and ‘schooling life’ as Beyonce said.
Then you get to this stage in your life, and nothing is how you pictured. That can be discouraging, and you being to worry if things will ever look how you imaged. That alone is enough to drive you up a wall.
If you gotten this far in the post you’re probably thinking, “I wish he would stop crying. It’s life, get over it.” You’re absolutely right, kind of.
This post was not just to simply state what’s wrong with me, nor was it to make people feel sorry for me.
This post is to acknowledge the importance of mental health. It’s important to know that someone else is going through similar situations that you are, and it’s okay to not be okay sometimes. It is not okay, however, to stay not okay. Too many times mental health is swept under the rug. Never addressed, never attended to, never managed, and never reconciled. I think it’s time to change that. And I think we begin to change that by being honest with ourselves (and others).
While consulting with others can be a way to combat the burden of stress and anxiety, it starts with you. Prayer and journaling are great places to start.
I write my truth in hopes that someone will identify with it, and being to recognize the season they’re in and be encouraged.
As I’ve said in previous posts, recognizing the space you’re in is the first step to healing.
Too many people use the internet has a space to present their highest self, but I want to be transparent in my delivery and content in hopes of connecting and healing those that choose to read.
“Healed people, heal people.” – Rob Hill, Sr.
Peace & light.